The Beginning of my Breast Cancer Journey

This is the beginning of our family blog. We have started this as a way to communicate the unfortunate news of my breast cancer. This way you can get on and see updates without needing to call us. I guess I will start how this all came about so you can know the story from the very beginning.
On Saturday Oct. 11th I was doing a regular self breast exam. It was the end of the day and Gary was driving up to Wyoming to his jobsite. I felt a little lump on the right side of my right breast. (It is the size of a sunflower seed) Of course I wasn't sure it was a real lump so I thought I would check again in the morning. I did call Gary once he arrived safe in Wy. and told him I was a little concerned. My Aunt Barbara had breast cancer back in 1994 and ever since then I have always done self breast exams. Needless to say I know my girls well. He told me it was going to be ok and to call him Sunday morning. When I woke up that morning it was still there so I would call Dr. Barton's office on Monday morning to schedule a mammogram. That Sunday at church was fast Sunday and a brother in our ward bore his testimony about his sister who had been sick for the last several weeks. He said his family had offered many prayers so that the doctors and nurses would do the best that they can to take care of her and to make her well again. I felt such a peace come over me and I knew that shortly I too was going to have many prayers offered to help me feel comfort and that the doctors can take care of me.
I called the doctors and talked to Merlynn the nurse who has worked at Dr. Barton's office since the first day I went to his office. She set up the appointment and darn it I was going to have to wait until Oct. 21st. They just couldn't get me in before then. So now I had to play the waiting game, which I hear is a hard part about cancer. All the waiting between doctor visits. G and I decided that we didn't want to alarm anyone until after my appointment. My parent's were going on a trip with 2 of my sister's and their families to Disneyland so I didn't want them to worry while they were gone. They came home on Monday the 20th and that night we went over to my parent's house to fill them in. I was to overcome with emotion that I couldn't even tell them so G let them know and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done to tell your own parents that you think you might have cancer. But if you are ever going to have someone in your corner to cheer you one and give you all the love and support you need, it is definitely my parent's. They are two of the most incredible, compassionate, selfless people I know. They immediately wrapped their arms around me and G and told us that no matter what we were going to be taken care of and so were our boys. G and my dad gave me a wonderful priesthood blessing and I actually sleep pretty well that night. For those of you who don't know my side of the family well, we are all insomniacs. So to have a good night sleep is a luxury.
The appointment. When Merlynn called me back she told me that I was going to have a diagnostic ultrasound. So I thought hmm, not bad I get to skip the mammogram. I have heard that they are painful and even worse if you have implants, so I wasn't too worried about the procedure being painful. When we arrived I, kissed G and left him in the waiting room and then signed in and put on a cute hospital gown. They told me that I was going to have a mammogram first and then the ultrasound. Well crap! There goes the pain free appointment that I was prepared for. Oh well less time to think about the pain. Now I had to be the tough chick that I know is in me somewhere. I then met Wendy who is the mammogram nurse. I told her that I had implants and she had to change the program on the computer and said that normally they take 4 images of each breast, with implants they take 6 and because I found a lump she was going to take and additional 6 of my right breast. She had me place a little green sticker on the spot where I could feel the lump. Ok so for those of you who have never had a mammogram, everything they say is true. The first couple of images weren't too bad and then Wendy said "Ok now we are going to take images without the implants." I thought what the heck? What is she going to do with my little saline bags? Umm she did a lot of tugging and pulling to get all of my breast tissue and pushed my implants way back into my chest and then MUNCH! The machine squished all of my real girls and left me holding my breath and not moving so we could get a good picture. And no I didn't smile for any of them. After the mammogram was done she put me in a little waiting room, more like a walk in closet, with 2 chairs and a table and she told me that the doctor would be right in to tell me what they see. Part of me was relieved to know that I was going to find out right away. Another part of me was wishing that G was there to hold my hand because I wasn't sure what the news was going to be. I waited for about 10 minutes and Wendy came in and told me that they wanted to do a diagnostic ultrasound. Oh great. They must have found something. So I met Lela she was the ultrasound technician. Into another room and for 15 minutes she did the ultrasound and never said a word. I thought this can't be good if she isn't saying anything to me, except "Chandria can you find the lump for me?" I found it again and then waited. When she was finished she told me the doctor would be right in to confirm what she saw. So then I met Dr. Green an awesome and energetic doc. She asked me to find the lump. Ok by this time my nerves were gone and I was shaking all over. I couldn't find the lump and Dr. Green could see the worry on my face. She told me to take a breath and relax. Ok I found the lump and she started the ultrasound. Then she asked Lela where the other lump is. What the crap! There is another lump? Oh and then she says "And here I can see a third lump right there." Well my blood pressure just took a jump. Breathe, breathe was all I could think about. I didn't want to lose it in front of the doc and nurse because I didn't want them to get emotionally attached. I wanted them to be focused so they could do the best job. Dr. Green said "It's ok you are too cute and too young for this to happen too. Oh I wish you were here an hour ago and I could do a biopsy right now." She asked if I could come back later that day and I said yes. She told me to get dressed maybe go to lunch and then come back. I went to get changed and fill G in. Just as I got done Lela found me and said that Dr. Green wanted to do the biopsy right away and to change again. I said that was fine but I needed to let my husband know what was going on. By now he had been in the waiting room for an hour and a half and I'm sure was starting to wonder. Up until this point I had kept my emotions together but as soon as I saw G I started the water works and all I told him was that the news was not good there are 3 lumps and they are going to do a biopsy right now and it is going to be another 45 minutes. And then I was off to change and get ready for the biopsy. So they explained what was going to happen and I thought is shouldn't be to bad. They gave me a local anesthetic. They were going to go in and do a needle biopsy where they take a small sample of the biggest lump. Well I love love to lift weights and today that was not a good thing. Dr. Green kept saying "I just can't get through your chest wall!" She had to push and push to get the needle through. And the whole time watch the ultrasound so she wouldn't puncture my implant. She finally got through and got 3 samples. I did a lot of deep breathing through the procedure to keep myself calm. When they were done Dr. Green told me that she would talk to G and fill him in because I told her I didn't think I could relay it all to him without crying. I changed and went out to be with G. They took us back to Jeanine who is going to be my breast care counselor. She is the one who I call with questions and she helps schedule all of my appointments. Dr. Green talked to us and said that even if the biopsy came back negative she still wanted me to meet with a surgeon and do an MRI. So I chose Dr. Rasmussen and was scheduled to meet with him on Oct. 28th and MRI on Thur. the 30th. They told me that I would have the results from my biopsy on Friday. We left and came home. I let my parents know and my mom thought that it was time to fill in the rest of the family. It wasn't looking too good. So G sent an email and my mom called all my siblings. We had a family meeting Wednesday at my parents to tell them the news and to also have a fast on my behalf to help bring me some comfort while we had to wait for the results. I started to feel more positive and up until now we hadn't told our boys because we really didn't have much to tell them. We wanted to wait until the results were back. I spent a lot of time at the gym working out. It is the one place that I can go plug in my Ipod and not think about anything else. So thanks to a supportive husband I could go and tune out. Thursday around noon I was on my way out to take Matt to Dimple Dell so we could go swimming and the phone rang. It was Dr. Barton. First thought, great I can get the news and then go swim with Matt. Well Dr. Barton was at a loss for words. He didn't even know I had found a lump. I asked him what the news was and he said that it wasn't good. I asked him what that meant and he told me that results of the biopsy was that the tumor is malignant. We spoke for a few minutes but I don't remember any of it. I am at a loss for words for the emotions that go through you when you hear news like that. G had just come up the stairs from his office and could see on my face that I was on the phone with the doc and it wasn't good. As soon as I hung up I just completely lost it. I wasn't even thinking about anything but the grim news I had just heard and the worst of worst thoughts like what is going to happen to my boys? Will I see any of them fully grown, serve missions, get married have babies, live successful adult lives? Will I grow old with G? How long of a battle is this going to be? I am not going to go down without a fight and I am going to fight like I have never fought before. I collapsed in my closet from crying so hard and G found me and held me and told me that Matt needed to go somewhere so he wouldn't see me cry like this. I told him to call my dear friends Cami and Emily and see if they could watch him. Cam didn't answer but Em did and she said he could bring him right over. My parents got to our house and I fell into my parents arms and just continued to weep. I couldn't think about anything but my sweet little boys and what this was going to do to their lives. Up till now we really haven't had anything major happen to our little family except Matt's accident when he was 16 months old. And he has completely recovered from it. Was I going to recover from this? How do you tell your children that you have cancer? They are all so different. Cody 15, internalizes a lot of his emotions, Brett, 13 wears his emotions on his sleeve. Dustin, 9 is old enough to understand and likes to be the tough guy. And my little Matt, 5 will he understand that his mommy is sick? Will he still hug and cuddle me each night? Will I have the strength to read him and Dustin bedtime stories while I am battling this cancer? How do you pick yourself from the shock of such craptastic news. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband and parents who cried with me. G took Matt to Em and she saw him cry so he was a little embarrassed that someone else saw him cry. Emily later told me that seeing Gary cry let her know that he really does love me and love me a bunch. Cami called back she couldn't make it to her phone when g called and I answered and was still crying. I ran over to her house and on my way over bumped into our neighbor Rosy and I brought her along. I was crying so hard and knew that I only had it in me to tell them once what I had just found out. They both cried with me as I told them the news. And what does someone say to you when you tell them you have cancer? They both told me that they would do anything at all for me and I started to feel some comfort. G found me at Cami's house and he sat down with us and they reassured both of us that they were going to help us get through this. We went back to our house and sat with my parents in our front room. A girl doesn't like to see her husband cry or her daddy. And on this day I saw them both cry. I could feel the love that they had for me and they had all the same worries and fears that I had. My sweet and tender mother held me in her arms and told me that we were going to beat this and that I was one of the strongest girls she knows. I was able to calm down a little and then we thought now what? How do you call your friends and siblings and tell them this devastating news. We knew that we needed people to know cause we could use all the blessings to give us strength to get through this. For the next couple of hours our phones rang as family and friends heard the news. Cody had his last football game of the season and G and I both wanted and needed to go. So we decided that we would go to the game and then sit our boys down after and tell them the news. Cody had a great last game and it was nice to sit in the warm weather and pray for guidance and strength so we would say the right thing to our boys. We told Cody and Brett first. I could instantly see in Brett's face that he thought the worst possible that I was going to die. I told him I was going to beat this and I was going to need their help to get me through it. Cody doesn't hug or show a lot of emotion and he too was upset and cried. I knew then that my boys really do love me and that gave me even more strength that I am ready to fight this thing head on and beat it. It was a good chat and they both understood that they were going to have to step up and help out to make our home a peaceful place for everyone. D and Matt were at my parents house so we brought them home and told them the news. Dusty understands what cancer is and he was very upset. I hugged him and held Matty on my lap .Matt wanted to know why all of his brothers were crying. Daddy told him that mommy was sick but what I had he couldn't catch. I could still hug and squeeze him all of the time. G reassured them all that we were going to be ok. This has become a part of our lives not our entire life. Family, school, church, sports and all of life go on this is just going to become a part of all that. We had a great family prayer that night and felt a really strong spirit in our home. The past couple of days we have spent telling all of our family and friends the cucky news. I am blown away by the love and support from so many people. We have such a huge support group and countless friends who have offered there help at anytime. To each of you thank you. Thursday and Friday were 2 of the most emotionally draining days of my life and since then I have really felt all of the prayers offered on my behalf because I am really feeling that comfort that I need so badly. Friday while Brett was at school talking to some friends about football and his friend made a comment about his momma scoring a touchdown and B punched him in the shoulder. He apologized immediately and explained why he was so sensitive about his mom. He didn't feel like staying at school so G checked him out. I was at the gym and when I got home I told him that if I am strong enough to go to the gym he could go to school and he agreed. He has done much better since then. I took D and Matt to gardener village to see all of the witches. It was great to have some fun family time. On Saturday B and D both had games at the same time. I went to D's game. Three of his coaches I went to high school with. They all came over and gave me hugs and told me it was going to be ok. The flood works started again but I could feel their strength. That afternoon I spent at home with the boys just hanging out and relaxing.
So the next step is meeting with Dr. Rasmussen Tuesday at 4:00. We will make another post after that appointment to keep all of you updated. Thank you to the countless number of you who have said prayers on our behalf. I have felt so much peace and comfort the last 2 days and I know that it is a result of so many prayers.