Hello Family and friends!
Today I had my MRI. Man that was a rough one!
I got there and waited for 30 minutes and in that time I used the bathroom twice...nerves. I was called back and had to change taking all metal off of me and again used the bathroom...nerves! I didn't think I was nervous I guessed wrong.
They had to give me an IV so they could shoot dye in me to see where the cancer is. It was freezing cold in the MRI room so the nurses wrapped me up in several blankets to keep me warm. They also wrapped my arms in blankets which were resting above my head, I was laying on my belly with a opening for my chest and for my face so I could breath. So I went into the machine feet first. The good thing about being on my belly is I couldn't see what a tight fit it is in the machine. I had some oxygen to breath which really helped keep me calm.
My mom had the best idea to sing primary songs in my head while I was holding as still as I could. Oh, and they gave me ear plugs. Did you know those MRI machines are super loud? So the first time it started I flinched.
The nurse could speak to me and she would tell me how long each sequence was going to last. The entire scan was going to last 35-40 minutes. So after a couple of 4 minute sequences I started getting hot. I mean really hot. The nurse told me that if we needed to stop or if I needed anything just to talk because there is a microphone in the machine and she would hear me.
After the machine stopped I told her that I needed a break it was just too hot. She didn't hear me. Crap! So again I said "I think I need a break it is too hot." Nothing happened. Ok I started freaking out. I could feel my heart racing, my breath sped up and I was still trying to hold still. What was I going to do if she never heard me and I was going to have to stay in this machine for 20 more minutes? The woman who was in the MRI just before me had actually passed out. Was I going to pass out? I said a quick little prayer asking for strength to stop this anxiety attack. I immediately felt calmer and took some slow deep breaths.So when the machine stopped the fourth time she told me that the dye was going to go in and the next sequence was 10 minutes. There was no way I was going to make it. So a little louder I said "I need a break I am burning up in here!" She heard and came in and said "Chandria, did you say something I can't really hear all the blankets are muffling the sound?" I told her that I needed the blankets off me.
She took the ones off my arms and it was like freedom! Free from the heat, free to wiggle and free to really take a big breath. She asked if she needed to take me out of the machine and remove the other blankets, but I didn't want to reset the whole thing so I said no. I really did feel better just having my arms free. So in went the dye cold up my arm it went. After the 10 minute sequence I had one more 4 and half minute one the last one! I was almost done.
I was surprised that I couldn't remember all of the songs my primary is going to sing in their upcoming program. I kept repeating the same songs. At one point I thought about my boys and that got me too emotional and I didn't want to cry while in the machine. So I had to switch my thoughts to other things, like shopping, cleaning, shopping, working out, and then shopping...nothing that would make my fragile self get weepy. I had to stay strong I am fighting this monster inside of me and I am stronger than this stupid beast. I was not going to cry. No way! I got through the last sequence and out I came.
I was really light headed and had to sit there for a few minutes to make sure I wouldn't faint. I made it to the dressing room and said a little prayer to Heavenly Father thanking Him for giving me the strength to make it. I had to sit there for a few more minutes catching my breath and making sure I was ok to walk out by myself.
G was still there waiting for me. I cannot tell you what a sight he is to see after I had gone through this test. I immediately calmed down and felt comfort flow over my entire body. To feel his arms wrap around me gave me the strength that I needed to know everything was going to be ok. So G thank you for being the rock solid man I needed when I am feeling so weak and vulnerable.
The nurse told me that the Doctor would call me tomorrow with the results. Well around 4:00 today the doc called! And finally a little piece of good news and not another shocking wave. There was nothing new on the MRI that they didn't already see from the mammogram and ultrasound. What a little relief!
It may seem a small thing and that maybe it wasn't technically really "good" news but I've felt lately like every time we run another test or every time we talk to a doctor things are worse than we thought they were. At least now we're getting a better idea of the size of the monster I'm battling.
The next step is that on this next Tuesday we'll meet with our surgeon, Dr. Rasmussen, and the reconstructive surgeon, Dr. Ferguson. It's then that we'll decide what our options are on how we are surgically going to take care of this and how invasive it will be. We will also schedule the day of the surgery.
I am also looking forward to Brett's playoff football game this Saturday, a trip to the temple on Saturday night and an uplifting Fast Sunday.
Thank you to each and everyone one of you who have called, texted, sent cards, cookies, and flowers. I cannot tell you the overwhelming emotions that come over me each time I hear from someone. I know that the 2 little words "thank you" cannot even touch upon the gratitude I have in my heart. So as my sissy-in-law Hillary would say "Feel my arms hugging you!" I send a giant hug to each of you. It is all that love giving me the courage and strength to overcome this stinking beast.
Much love and Happy Halloween!
Chandy
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Fast this Sunday for Chandy
Wanted to update all of you on the Ward/Family/Friends Fast we're going to have for Chandy this Sunday.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, It will be this Sunday November 1st @ 9am. The address is 11199 South Wasatch Boulevard in Sandy. Please come to the meeting fasting if you are willing and able and we will meet again at the same place that evening at 5pm to close the fast.
I am so excited for Chandy and my sons to see the number of people who are pulling for them.
We would love to see all of you there if your circumstances allow it. You are certainly welcome to come to both meetings or one or the other. We understand that some will be traveling a fair distance to get there. If you are unable to attend, we know that your thoughts will be with her. No pressure.
If you wonder whether or not you're a close enough friend to attend then I can assure you that you are.
Thanks again,
Gary
As I mentioned in an earlier post, It will be this Sunday November 1st @ 9am. The address is 11199 South Wasatch Boulevard in Sandy. Please come to the meeting fasting if you are willing and able and we will meet again at the same place that evening at 5pm to close the fast.
I am so excited for Chandy and my sons to see the number of people who are pulling for them.
We would love to see all of you there if your circumstances allow it. You are certainly welcome to come to both meetings or one or the other. We understand that some will be traveling a fair distance to get there. If you are unable to attend, we know that your thoughts will be with her. No pressure.
If you wonder whether or not you're a close enough friend to attend then I can assure you that you are.
Thanks again,
Gary
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Anniversary
By the way...
In the middle of all this madness finally comes a day to be thankful for!
Tomorrow is our anniversary. We may not exchange extravagant gifts and we may not visit an exotic locale and there may be some sadness, but if I knew 16 years ago that this was to be my lot and that this is what I had to look forward to, I wouldn't have had a second thought.
It's probably obvious to everyone around us that with Chandy I have "outkicked my coverage" I have "married out of my class"! I have no business being married to this angel.
I am so thankful for her. She has taken care of me so long that it's about time I return the favor. I so look forward to being able to care for her like never before over the next little while.
I know that Chandy knows how much I love her. I'm certain that over the course of the next few months or so she'll find how deep that love really goes.
I love you babe...
G
In the middle of all this madness finally comes a day to be thankful for!
Tomorrow is our anniversary. We may not exchange extravagant gifts and we may not visit an exotic locale and there may be some sadness, but if I knew 16 years ago that this was to be my lot and that this is what I had to look forward to, I wouldn't have had a second thought.
It's probably obvious to everyone around us that with Chandy I have "outkicked my coverage" I have "married out of my class"! I have no business being married to this angel.
I am so thankful for her. She has taken care of me so long that it's about time I return the favor. I so look forward to being able to care for her like never before over the next little while.
I know that Chandy knows how much I love her. I'm certain that over the course of the next few months or so she'll find how deep that love really goes.
I love you babe...
G
Meeting with the Surgeon
My turn to post. Things are still a little fresh for Chandy and I thought I'd let her relax and I'd take care of this tonight.
Chandy and I went to meet with Dr. Rasmussen @ the new IMC in Murray. He was excellent and was real helpful with explaining every stupid question I had and presenting it in a way that even a dumb contractor could understand.
Unfortunately the news isn't what we wanted to hear.
It seems that though the three lumps are relatively small the area affected pretty well covers the right side of Chandy's right breast and the option of a lumpectomy and some radiation isn't the answer.
Chandy is going to have an MRI on Thursday morning. She also had her blood drawn so they could test her to see if she has the "breast cancer gene". Her young age and family history make them suspect that she might. Her surgery will be scheduled shortly after we get the results of these tests. It looks like it may be sometime mid to late next week.
As you can imagine, the thought of Chandy losing either one (if the gene test is negative) or both (if it's positive) of her breasts is not something she was hoping for. It also looks like in either case she'll need to experience the joy of chemotherapy and radiation.
I've keep reminding her that it was her cute bum that drew me to her in the first place anyways.
I am so thankful for all of you! Even this early in the process I can see her own strength and the strength she receives from Heavenly Father because of His love for her and because of your faith, love and prayers lifting her up when she's down.
It seems as if she keeps facing these waves that hit her and almost knock her down and then she picks herself up by her own strength and the strength she receives from all of you just in time for another wave to hit. I told her after our appointment today that I can't wait for the next few weeks/months or whatever it's going to be to pass so that when we go to see the doctor we walk out of there with good news and feeling better...you watch, it's going to happen and I can't wait.
I talked with our Bishop tonight who has been absolutely wonderful and we are going to dedicate our ward fast this Sunday to Chandy. You are welcome and encouraged to come! I would love to see a huge turnout for her. Family and friends alike. I think it would be a great lift for her and the boys. Our sacrament meeting is at 9 am and the address of our chapel is 11199 South Wasatch Blvd in Sandy. Everybody will be showing up after they've started their fast and then we will meet together again that night to close the fast. I'll have to get back to you on the time that night when we'll meet. Maybe if you can't make one meeting you could make the other.
I need to mention again that the outpouring of support has been incredible. I may need to add a wing to the house so I have a place to put the flowers and I may need an additional fridge to have a place to put the food.
Thanks again. Please keep praying for my wife and my boys.
Gary
Chandy and I went to meet with Dr. Rasmussen @ the new IMC in Murray. He was excellent and was real helpful with explaining every stupid question I had and presenting it in a way that even a dumb contractor could understand.
Unfortunately the news isn't what we wanted to hear.
It seems that though the three lumps are relatively small the area affected pretty well covers the right side of Chandy's right breast and the option of a lumpectomy and some radiation isn't the answer.
Chandy is going to have an MRI on Thursday morning. She also had her blood drawn so they could test her to see if she has the "breast cancer gene". Her young age and family history make them suspect that she might. Her surgery will be scheduled shortly after we get the results of these tests. It looks like it may be sometime mid to late next week.
As you can imagine, the thought of Chandy losing either one (if the gene test is negative) or both (if it's positive) of her breasts is not something she was hoping for. It also looks like in either case she'll need to experience the joy of chemotherapy and radiation.
I've keep reminding her that it was her cute bum that drew me to her in the first place anyways.
I am so thankful for all of you! Even this early in the process I can see her own strength and the strength she receives from Heavenly Father because of His love for her and because of your faith, love and prayers lifting her up when she's down.
It seems as if she keeps facing these waves that hit her and almost knock her down and then she picks herself up by her own strength and the strength she receives from all of you just in time for another wave to hit. I told her after our appointment today that I can't wait for the next few weeks/months or whatever it's going to be to pass so that when we go to see the doctor we walk out of there with good news and feeling better...you watch, it's going to happen and I can't wait.
I talked with our Bishop tonight who has been absolutely wonderful and we are going to dedicate our ward fast this Sunday to Chandy. You are welcome and encouraged to come! I would love to see a huge turnout for her. Family and friends alike. I think it would be a great lift for her and the boys. Our sacrament meeting is at 9 am and the address of our chapel is 11199 South Wasatch Blvd in Sandy. Everybody will be showing up after they've started their fast and then we will meet together again that night to close the fast. I'll have to get back to you on the time that night when we'll meet. Maybe if you can't make one meeting you could make the other.
I need to mention again that the outpouring of support has been incredible. I may need to add a wing to the house so I have a place to put the flowers and I may need an additional fridge to have a place to put the food.
Thanks again. Please keep praying for my wife and my boys.
Gary
Monday, October 27, 2008
The Beginning of my Breast Cancer Journey
This is the beginning of our family blog. We have started this as a way to communicate the unfortunate news of my breast cancer. This way you can get on and see updates without needing to call us. I guess I will start how this all came about so you can know the story from the very beginning.
On Saturday Oct. 11th I was doing a regular self breast exam. It was the end of the day and Gary was driving up to Wyoming to his jobsite. I felt a little lump on the right side of my right breast. (It is the size of a sunflower seed) Of course I wasn't sure it was a real lump so I thought I would check again in the morning. I did call Gary once he arrived safe in Wy. and told him I was a little concerned. My Aunt Barbara had breast cancer back in 1994 and ever since then I have always done self breast exams. Needless to say I know my girls well. He told me it was going to be ok and to call him Sunday morning. When I woke up that morning it was still there so I would call Dr. Barton's office on Monday morning to schedule a mammogram. That Sunday at church was fast Sunday and a brother in our ward bore his testimony about his sister who had been sick for the last several weeks. He said his family had offered many prayers so that the doctors and nurses would do the best that they can to take care of her and to make her well again. I felt such a peace come over me and I knew that shortly I too was going to have many prayers offered to help me feel comfort and that the doctors can take care of me.
I called the doctors and talked to Merlynn the nurse who has worked at Dr. Barton's office since the first day I went to his office. She set up the appointment and darn it I was going to have to wait until Oct. 21st. They just couldn't get me in before then. So now I had to play the waiting game, which I hear is a hard part about cancer. All the waiting between doctor visits. G and I decided that we didn't want to alarm anyone until after my appointment. My parent's were going on a trip with 2 of my sister's and their families to Disneyland so I didn't want them to worry while they were gone. They came home on Monday the 20th and that night we went over to my parent's house to fill them in. I was to overcome with emotion that I couldn't even tell them so G let them know and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done to tell your own parents that you think you might have cancer. But if you are ever going to have someone in your corner to cheer you one and give you all the love and support you need, it is definitely my parent's. They are two of the most incredible, compassionate, selfless people I know. They immediately wrapped their arms around me and G and told us that no matter what we were going to be taken care of and so were our boys. G and my dad gave me a wonderful priesthood blessing and I actually sleep pretty well that night. For those of you who don't know my side of the family well, we are all insomniacs. So to have a good night sleep is a luxury.
The appointment. When Merlynn called me back she told me that I was going to have a diagnostic ultrasound. So I thought hmm, not bad I get to skip the mammogram. I have heard that they are painful and even worse if you have implants, so I wasn't too worried about the procedure being painful. When we arrived I, kissed G and left him in the waiting room and then signed in and put on a cute hospital gown. They told me that I was going to have a mammogram first and then the ultrasound. Well crap! There goes the pain free appointment that I was prepared for. Oh well less time to think about the pain. Now I had to be the tough chick that I know is in me somewhere. I then met Wendy who is the mammogram nurse. I told her that I had implants and she had to change the program on the computer and said that normally they take 4 images of each breast, with implants they take 6 and because I found a lump she was going to take and additional 6 of my right breast. She had me place a little green sticker on the spot where I could feel the lump. Ok so for those of you who have never had a mammogram, everything they say is true. The first couple of images weren't too bad and then Wendy said "Ok now we are going to take images without the implants." I thought what the heck? What is she going to do with my little saline bags? Umm she did a lot of tugging and pulling to get all of my breast tissue and pushed my implants way back into my chest and then MUNCH! The machine squished all of my real girls and left me holding my breath and not moving so we could get a good picture. And no I didn't smile for any of them. After the mammogram was done she put me in a little waiting room, more like a walk in closet, with 2 chairs and a table and she told me that the doctor would be right in to tell me what they see. Part of me was relieved to know that I was going to find out right away. Another part of me was wishing that G was there to hold my hand because I wasn't sure what the news was going to be. I waited for about 10 minutes and Wendy came in and told me that they wanted to do a diagnostic ultrasound. Oh great. They must have found something. So I met Lela she was the ultrasound technician. Into another room and for 15 minutes she did the ultrasound and never said a word. I thought this can't be good if she isn't saying anything to me, except "Chandria can you find the lump for me?" I found it again and then waited. When she was finished she told me the doctor would be right in to confirm what she saw. So then I met Dr. Green an awesome and energetic doc. She asked me to find the lump. Ok by this time my nerves were gone and I was shaking all over. I couldn't find the lump and Dr. Green could see the worry on my face. She told me to take a breath and relax. Ok I found the lump and she started the ultrasound. Then she asked Lela where the other lump is. What the crap! There is another lump? Oh and then she says "And here I can see a third lump right there." Well my blood pressure just took a jump. Breathe, breathe was all I could think about. I didn't want to lose it in front of the doc and nurse because I didn't want them to get emotionally attached. I wanted them to be focused so they could do the best job. Dr. Green said "It's ok you are too cute and too young for this to happen too. Oh I wish you were here an hour ago and I could do a biopsy right now." She asked if I could come back later that day and I said yes. She told me to get dressed maybe go to lunch and then come back. I went to get changed and fill G in. Just as I got done Lela found me and said that Dr. Green wanted to do the biopsy right away and to change again. I said that was fine but I needed to let my husband know what was going on. By now he had been in the waiting room for an hour and a half and I'm sure was starting to wonder. Up until this point I had kept my emotions together but as soon as I saw G I started the water works and all I told him was that the news was not good there are 3 lumps and they are going to do a biopsy right now and it is going to be another 45 minutes. And then I was off to change and get ready for the biopsy. So they explained what was going to happen and I thought is shouldn't be to bad. They gave me a local anesthetic. They were going to go in and do a needle biopsy where they take a small sample of the biggest lump. Well I love love to lift weights and today that was not a good thing. Dr. Green kept saying "I just can't get through your chest wall!" She had to push and push to get the needle through. And the whole time watch the ultrasound so she wouldn't puncture my implant. She finally got through and got 3 samples. I did a lot of deep breathing through the procedure to keep myself calm. When they were done Dr. Green told me that she would talk to G and fill him in because I told her I didn't think I could relay it all to him without crying. I changed and went out to be with G. They took us back to Jeanine who is going to be my breast care counselor. She is the one who I call with questions and she helps schedule all of my appointments. Dr. Green talked to us and said that even if the biopsy came back negative she still wanted me to meet with a surgeon and do an MRI. So I chose Dr. Rasmussen and was scheduled to meet with him on Oct. 28th and MRI on Thur. the 30th. They told me that I would have the results from my biopsy on Friday. We left and came home. I let my parents know and my mom thought that it was time to fill in the rest of the family. It wasn't looking too good. So G sent an email and my mom called all my siblings. We had a family meeting Wednesday at my parents to tell them the news and to also have a fast on my behalf to help bring me some comfort while we had to wait for the results. I started to feel more positive and up until now we hadn't told our boys because we really didn't have much to tell them. We wanted to wait until the results were back. I spent a lot of time at the gym working out. It is the one place that I can go plug in my Ipod and not think about anything else. So thanks to a supportive husband I could go and tune out. Thursday around noon I was on my way out to take Matt to Dimple Dell so we could go swimming and the phone rang. It was Dr. Barton. First thought, great I can get the news and then go swim with Matt. Well Dr. Barton was at a loss for words. He didn't even know I had found a lump. I asked him what the news was and he said that it wasn't good. I asked him what that meant and he told me that results of the biopsy was that the tumor is malignant. We spoke for a few minutes but I don't remember any of it. I am at a loss for words for the emotions that go through you when you hear news like that. G had just come up the stairs from his office and could see on my face that I was on the phone with the doc and it wasn't good. As soon as I hung up I just completely lost it. I wasn't even thinking about anything but the grim news I had just heard and the worst of worst thoughts like what is going to happen to my boys? Will I see any of them fully grown, serve missions, get married have babies, live successful adult lives? Will I grow old with G? How long of a battle is this going to be? I am not going to go down without a fight and I am going to fight like I have never fought before. I collapsed in my closet from crying so hard and G found me and held me and told me that Matt needed to go somewhere so he wouldn't see me cry like this. I told him to call my dear friends Cami and Emily and see if they could watch him. Cam didn't answer but Em did and she said he could bring him right over. My parents got to our house and I fell into my parents arms and just continued to weep. I couldn't think about anything but my sweet little boys and what this was going to do to their lives. Up till now we really haven't had anything major happen to our little family except Matt's accident when he was 16 months old. And he has completely recovered from it. Was I going to recover from this? How do you tell your children that you have cancer? They are all so different. Cody 15, internalizes a lot of his emotions, Brett, 13 wears his emotions on his sleeve. Dustin, 9 is old enough to understand and likes to be the tough guy. And my little Matt, 5 will he understand that his mommy is sick? Will he still hug and cuddle me each night? Will I have the strength to read him and Dustin bedtime stories while I am battling this cancer? How do you pick yourself from the shock of such craptastic news. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband and parents who cried with me. G took Matt to Em and she saw him cry so he was a little embarrassed that someone else saw him cry. Emily later told me that seeing Gary cry let her know that he really does love me and love me a bunch. Cami called back she couldn't make it to her phone when g called and I answered and was still crying. I ran over to her house and on my way over bumped into our neighbor Rosy and I brought her along. I was crying so hard and knew that I only had it in me to tell them once what I had just found out. They both cried with me as I told them the news. And what does someone say to you when you tell them you have cancer? They both told me that they would do anything at all for me and I started to feel some comfort. G found me at Cami's house and he sat down with us and they reassured both of us that they were going to help us get through this. We went back to our house and sat with my parents in our front room. A girl doesn't like to see her husband cry or her daddy. And on this day I saw them both cry. I could feel the love that they had for me and they had all the same worries and fears that I had. My sweet and tender mother held me in her arms and told me that we were going to beat this and that I was one of the strongest girls she knows. I was able to calm down a little and then we thought now what? How do you call your friends and siblings and tell them this devastating news. We knew that we needed people to know cause we could use all the blessings to give us strength to get through this. For the next couple of hours our phones rang as family and friends heard the news. Cody had his last football game of the season and G and I both wanted and needed to go. So we decided that we would go to the game and then sit our boys down after and tell them the news. Cody had a great last game and it was nice to sit in the warm weather and pray for guidance and strength so we would say the right thing to our boys. We told Cody and Brett first. I could instantly see in Brett's face that he thought the worst possible that I was going to die. I told him I was going to beat this and I was going to need their help to get me through it. Cody doesn't hug or show a lot of emotion and he too was upset and cried. I knew then that my boys really do love me and that gave me even more strength that I am ready to fight this thing head on and beat it. It was a good chat and they both understood that they were going to have to step up and help out to make our home a peaceful place for everyone. D and Matt were at my parents house so we brought them home and told them the news. Dusty understands what cancer is and he was very upset. I hugged him and held Matty on my lap .Matt wanted to know why all of his brothers were crying. Daddy told him that mommy was sick but what I had he couldn't catch. I could still hug and squeeze him all of the time. G reassured them all that we were going to be ok. This has become a part of our lives not our entire life. Family, school, church, sports and all of life go on this is just going to become a part of all that. We had a great family prayer that night and felt a really strong spirit in our home. The past couple of days we have spent telling all of our family and friends the cucky news. I am blown away by the love and support from so many people. We have such a huge support group and countless friends who have offered there help at anytime. To each of you thank you. Thursday and Friday were 2 of the most emotionally draining days of my life and since then I have really felt all of the prayers offered on my behalf because I am really feeling that comfort that I need so badly. Friday while Brett was at school talking to some friends about football and his friend made a comment about his momma scoring a touchdown and B punched him in the shoulder. He apologized immediately and explained why he was so sensitive about his mom. He didn't feel like staying at school so G checked him out. I was at the gym and when I got home I told him that if I am strong enough to go to the gym he could go to school and he agreed. He has done much better since then. I took D and Matt to gardener village to see all of the witches. It was great to have some fun family time. On Saturday B and D both had games at the same time. I went to D's game. Three of his coaches I went to high school with. They all came over and gave me hugs and told me it was going to be ok. The flood works started again but I could feel their strength. That afternoon I spent at home with the boys just hanging out and relaxing.
So the next step is meeting with Dr. Rasmussen Tuesday at 4:00. We will make another post after that appointment to keep all of you updated. Thank you to the countless number of you who have said prayers on our behalf. I have felt so much peace and comfort the last 2 days and I know that it is a result of so many prayers.
On Saturday Oct. 11th I was doing a regular self breast exam. It was the end of the day and Gary was driving up to Wyoming to his jobsite. I felt a little lump on the right side of my right breast. (It is the size of a sunflower seed) Of course I wasn't sure it was a real lump so I thought I would check again in the morning. I did call Gary once he arrived safe in Wy. and told him I was a little concerned. My Aunt Barbara had breast cancer back in 1994 and ever since then I have always done self breast exams. Needless to say I know my girls well. He told me it was going to be ok and to call him Sunday morning. When I woke up that morning it was still there so I would call Dr. Barton's office on Monday morning to schedule a mammogram. That Sunday at church was fast Sunday and a brother in our ward bore his testimony about his sister who had been sick for the last several weeks. He said his family had offered many prayers so that the doctors and nurses would do the best that they can to take care of her and to make her well again. I felt such a peace come over me and I knew that shortly I too was going to have many prayers offered to help me feel comfort and that the doctors can take care of me.
I called the doctors and talked to Merlynn the nurse who has worked at Dr. Barton's office since the first day I went to his office. She set up the appointment and darn it I was going to have to wait until Oct. 21st. They just couldn't get me in before then. So now I had to play the waiting game, which I hear is a hard part about cancer. All the waiting between doctor visits. G and I decided that we didn't want to alarm anyone until after my appointment. My parent's were going on a trip with 2 of my sister's and their families to Disneyland so I didn't want them to worry while they were gone. They came home on Monday the 20th and that night we went over to my parent's house to fill them in. I was to overcome with emotion that I couldn't even tell them so G let them know and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done to tell your own parents that you think you might have cancer. But if you are ever going to have someone in your corner to cheer you one and give you all the love and support you need, it is definitely my parent's. They are two of the most incredible, compassionate, selfless people I know. They immediately wrapped their arms around me and G and told us that no matter what we were going to be taken care of and so were our boys. G and my dad gave me a wonderful priesthood blessing and I actually sleep pretty well that night. For those of you who don't know my side of the family well, we are all insomniacs. So to have a good night sleep is a luxury.
The appointment. When Merlynn called me back she told me that I was going to have a diagnostic ultrasound. So I thought hmm, not bad I get to skip the mammogram. I have heard that they are painful and even worse if you have implants, so I wasn't too worried about the procedure being painful. When we arrived I, kissed G and left him in the waiting room and then signed in and put on a cute hospital gown. They told me that I was going to have a mammogram first and then the ultrasound. Well crap! There goes the pain free appointment that I was prepared for. Oh well less time to think about the pain. Now I had to be the tough chick that I know is in me somewhere. I then met Wendy who is the mammogram nurse. I told her that I had implants and she had to change the program on the computer and said that normally they take 4 images of each breast, with implants they take 6 and because I found a lump she was going to take and additional 6 of my right breast. She had me place a little green sticker on the spot where I could feel the lump. Ok so for those of you who have never had a mammogram, everything they say is true. The first couple of images weren't too bad and then Wendy said "Ok now we are going to take images without the implants." I thought what the heck? What is she going to do with my little saline bags? Umm she did a lot of tugging and pulling to get all of my breast tissue and pushed my implants way back into my chest and then MUNCH! The machine squished all of my real girls and left me holding my breath and not moving so we could get a good picture. And no I didn't smile for any of them. After the mammogram was done she put me in a little waiting room, more like a walk in closet, with 2 chairs and a table and she told me that the doctor would be right in to tell me what they see. Part of me was relieved to know that I was going to find out right away. Another part of me was wishing that G was there to hold my hand because I wasn't sure what the news was going to be. I waited for about 10 minutes and Wendy came in and told me that they wanted to do a diagnostic ultrasound. Oh great. They must have found something. So I met Lela she was the ultrasound technician. Into another room and for 15 minutes she did the ultrasound and never said a word. I thought this can't be good if she isn't saying anything to me, except "Chandria can you find the lump for me?" I found it again and then waited. When she was finished she told me the doctor would be right in to confirm what she saw. So then I met Dr. Green an awesome and energetic doc. She asked me to find the lump. Ok by this time my nerves were gone and I was shaking all over. I couldn't find the lump and Dr. Green could see the worry on my face. She told me to take a breath and relax. Ok I found the lump and she started the ultrasound. Then she asked Lela where the other lump is. What the crap! There is another lump? Oh and then she says "And here I can see a third lump right there." Well my blood pressure just took a jump. Breathe, breathe was all I could think about. I didn't want to lose it in front of the doc and nurse because I didn't want them to get emotionally attached. I wanted them to be focused so they could do the best job. Dr. Green said "It's ok you are too cute and too young for this to happen too. Oh I wish you were here an hour ago and I could do a biopsy right now." She asked if I could come back later that day and I said yes. She told me to get dressed maybe go to lunch and then come back. I went to get changed and fill G in. Just as I got done Lela found me and said that Dr. Green wanted to do the biopsy right away and to change again. I said that was fine but I needed to let my husband know what was going on. By now he had been in the waiting room for an hour and a half and I'm sure was starting to wonder. Up until this point I had kept my emotions together but as soon as I saw G I started the water works and all I told him was that the news was not good there are 3 lumps and they are going to do a biopsy right now and it is going to be another 45 minutes. And then I was off to change and get ready for the biopsy. So they explained what was going to happen and I thought is shouldn't be to bad. They gave me a local anesthetic. They were going to go in and do a needle biopsy where they take a small sample of the biggest lump. Well I love love to lift weights and today that was not a good thing. Dr. Green kept saying "I just can't get through your chest wall!" She had to push and push to get the needle through. And the whole time watch the ultrasound so she wouldn't puncture my implant. She finally got through and got 3 samples. I did a lot of deep breathing through the procedure to keep myself calm. When they were done Dr. Green told me that she would talk to G and fill him in because I told her I didn't think I could relay it all to him without crying. I changed and went out to be with G. They took us back to Jeanine who is going to be my breast care counselor. She is the one who I call with questions and she helps schedule all of my appointments. Dr. Green talked to us and said that even if the biopsy came back negative she still wanted me to meet with a surgeon and do an MRI. So I chose Dr. Rasmussen and was scheduled to meet with him on Oct. 28th and MRI on Thur. the 30th. They told me that I would have the results from my biopsy on Friday. We left and came home. I let my parents know and my mom thought that it was time to fill in the rest of the family. It wasn't looking too good. So G sent an email and my mom called all my siblings. We had a family meeting Wednesday at my parents to tell them the news and to also have a fast on my behalf to help bring me some comfort while we had to wait for the results. I started to feel more positive and up until now we hadn't told our boys because we really didn't have much to tell them. We wanted to wait until the results were back. I spent a lot of time at the gym working out. It is the one place that I can go plug in my Ipod and not think about anything else. So thanks to a supportive husband I could go and tune out. Thursday around noon I was on my way out to take Matt to Dimple Dell so we could go swimming and the phone rang. It was Dr. Barton. First thought, great I can get the news and then go swim with Matt. Well Dr. Barton was at a loss for words. He didn't even know I had found a lump. I asked him what the news was and he said that it wasn't good. I asked him what that meant and he told me that results of the biopsy was that the tumor is malignant. We spoke for a few minutes but I don't remember any of it. I am at a loss for words for the emotions that go through you when you hear news like that. G had just come up the stairs from his office and could see on my face that I was on the phone with the doc and it wasn't good. As soon as I hung up I just completely lost it. I wasn't even thinking about anything but the grim news I had just heard and the worst of worst thoughts like what is going to happen to my boys? Will I see any of them fully grown, serve missions, get married have babies, live successful adult lives? Will I grow old with G? How long of a battle is this going to be? I am not going to go down without a fight and I am going to fight like I have never fought before. I collapsed in my closet from crying so hard and G found me and held me and told me that Matt needed to go somewhere so he wouldn't see me cry like this. I told him to call my dear friends Cami and Emily and see if they could watch him. Cam didn't answer but Em did and she said he could bring him right over. My parents got to our house and I fell into my parents arms and just continued to weep. I couldn't think about anything but my sweet little boys and what this was going to do to their lives. Up till now we really haven't had anything major happen to our little family except Matt's accident when he was 16 months old. And he has completely recovered from it. Was I going to recover from this? How do you tell your children that you have cancer? They are all so different. Cody 15, internalizes a lot of his emotions, Brett, 13 wears his emotions on his sleeve. Dustin, 9 is old enough to understand and likes to be the tough guy. And my little Matt, 5 will he understand that his mommy is sick? Will he still hug and cuddle me each night? Will I have the strength to read him and Dustin bedtime stories while I am battling this cancer? How do you pick yourself from the shock of such craptastic news. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband and parents who cried with me. G took Matt to Em and she saw him cry so he was a little embarrassed that someone else saw him cry. Emily later told me that seeing Gary cry let her know that he really does love me and love me a bunch. Cami called back she couldn't make it to her phone when g called and I answered and was still crying. I ran over to her house and on my way over bumped into our neighbor Rosy and I brought her along. I was crying so hard and knew that I only had it in me to tell them once what I had just found out. They both cried with me as I told them the news. And what does someone say to you when you tell them you have cancer? They both told me that they would do anything at all for me and I started to feel some comfort. G found me at Cami's house and he sat down with us and they reassured both of us that they were going to help us get through this. We went back to our house and sat with my parents in our front room. A girl doesn't like to see her husband cry or her daddy. And on this day I saw them both cry. I could feel the love that they had for me and they had all the same worries and fears that I had. My sweet and tender mother held me in her arms and told me that we were going to beat this and that I was one of the strongest girls she knows. I was able to calm down a little and then we thought now what? How do you call your friends and siblings and tell them this devastating news. We knew that we needed people to know cause we could use all the blessings to give us strength to get through this. For the next couple of hours our phones rang as family and friends heard the news. Cody had his last football game of the season and G and I both wanted and needed to go. So we decided that we would go to the game and then sit our boys down after and tell them the news. Cody had a great last game and it was nice to sit in the warm weather and pray for guidance and strength so we would say the right thing to our boys. We told Cody and Brett first. I could instantly see in Brett's face that he thought the worst possible that I was going to die. I told him I was going to beat this and I was going to need their help to get me through it. Cody doesn't hug or show a lot of emotion and he too was upset and cried. I knew then that my boys really do love me and that gave me even more strength that I am ready to fight this thing head on and beat it. It was a good chat and they both understood that they were going to have to step up and help out to make our home a peaceful place for everyone. D and Matt were at my parents house so we brought them home and told them the news. Dusty understands what cancer is and he was very upset. I hugged him and held Matty on my lap .Matt wanted to know why all of his brothers were crying. Daddy told him that mommy was sick but what I had he couldn't catch. I could still hug and squeeze him all of the time. G reassured them all that we were going to be ok. This has become a part of our lives not our entire life. Family, school, church, sports and all of life go on this is just going to become a part of all that. We had a great family prayer that night and felt a really strong spirit in our home. The past couple of days we have spent telling all of our family and friends the cucky news. I am blown away by the love and support from so many people. We have such a huge support group and countless friends who have offered there help at anytime. To each of you thank you. Thursday and Friday were 2 of the most emotionally draining days of my life and since then I have really felt all of the prayers offered on my behalf because I am really feeling that comfort that I need so badly. Friday while Brett was at school talking to some friends about football and his friend made a comment about his momma scoring a touchdown and B punched him in the shoulder. He apologized immediately and explained why he was so sensitive about his mom. He didn't feel like staying at school so G checked him out. I was at the gym and when I got home I told him that if I am strong enough to go to the gym he could go to school and he agreed. He has done much better since then. I took D and Matt to gardener village to see all of the witches. It was great to have some fun family time. On Saturday B and D both had games at the same time. I went to D's game. Three of his coaches I went to high school with. They all came over and gave me hugs and told me it was going to be ok. The flood works started again but I could feel their strength. That afternoon I spent at home with the boys just hanging out and relaxing.
So the next step is meeting with Dr. Rasmussen Tuesday at 4:00. We will make another post after that appointment to keep all of you updated. Thank you to the countless number of you who have said prayers on our behalf. I have felt so much peace and comfort the last 2 days and I know that it is a result of so many prayers.
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