The Ugly Truth!

I have really been struggling lately emotionally, which I know is a side effect to the tamoxifen, which is the hormone therapy. It blocks the estrogen in my body, but something has to change. I did talk with Dr Nibley today and he is changing my anti-depressant and Monday I am going in for blood work to look at my thyroid and other things.

I just feel so numb, I don't care about anything, cry over anything and everything, big old mood swings, sleep all the time, no energy and when I do exercise and try to focus and eat healthy it is so consuming and draining that I can't seem to do anything else. I have also gained 20 lbs, since taking the tamox, which I know almost all women who take it gain weight. And for me it is frustrating because I don't have the energy I need to get back into shape. I'm not even sure if I can lose weight taking this pill.

I know I haven't read up on hormone therapy since last year, so over the weekend I need to see what I can do to change the things going on. The hardest part is facing people, everyone always wants to know how I'm doing and they think I'm so brave and courageous, I told Gary it's just so emotionally draining because I feel like I am 'Faking Life.' When someone asks, "How are you?" I want to say, "Oh well, I feel like S...!" Of course I can't really tell people that, and what I am dealing with right now is so much harder than chemo or radiation. They were physical things and this is all emotional. Just to get my day going, run errands, smile at people... I come home and need a nap! I hope that the change in my meds helps, but I did tell Gary that I cannot live like this for the 5 yrs. I'm supposed to take tamox.

Another thing that is just so painful is that I feel like I am letting so many people down, Gary, my kids, my family, friends and neighbors. And in the mean time my kids are in the middle of their lives and it isn't fair to them to have a bum mom who just sits like a bump on a log... I have tried for so long to put on a brave face but it is time to tell the ugly truth! I know it is going to take some time and I recognize that.

I also feel like my whole family has been in crisis mode for the last year and a half and none of us know how to get out of that and back to normal living. Gary and I are meeting with an LDS social services therapist in a few weeks and our boys hopefully will be able to go as well. We all kind of need a kick in the pants back into everyday living.
So there's the jist of what is going on right now, crap! I do still laugh and have good times they just seem to be few and far between. I want more good times and that is what me and my family will be focusing on over the next little while.

Love you all!!! Chandy