And My Hair is Gone!

So on Superbowl Sunday our beloved Pittsburgh Steelers in a nail bitter won the Superbowl! It was also the day that my hair started to fall out. I knew it was coming but when it happened I started to cry. I came downstairs and showed G the handful of hair that I combed out and he said, "Let's shave it now!" I told him that I was going to wait as long as possible, my hair is something that is part of my feminine identity.

We went to my parents house for the Superbowl party and it was fun to forget about my situation and enjoy company and the game. It was fast Sunday at church and my dad told me that me niece Tana, who was staying with my parents bore her testimony. She got up there and said, "I know, I know that my Aunt Chandy is going to get better!" He said that she said it with such conviction and there was no doubt that this sweet and innocent 10 year old girl had the faith of a giant and she knew with no question that I was going to be healed. My boys Brett and Dustin also bore their testimonies. The first thing Dusty said was, "Go Steelers!" Which I am sure got a few laughs. But they too shared their faith without doubt that I was going to be made whole again. It is a good reminder to become like a child and remember that stronghold of faith that could seriously move mountains. I think on this day they moved and touched many hearts and confirmed the truthfulness of the gospel to so many adults in the congregation.

Well each day it got worse and more and more hair fell out. I was saving my hair for my GG. She wants to put it in her garden this summer to help her plants grow. At first I didn't know what to think about this but as my hair started to fall out and I collected it in a bag for her I felt a strange sense of purpose. I was saddened that I was losing my hair but I knew that by giving it to my Grandma I was doing something good. It actually made me feel OK about it all falling out. By Thursday I knew that I wasn't going to make it much longer. There was hair all over our house and it was getting annoying. I told one of my sisters that I was going to shave it over the weekend and she asked if she could be there when I did it. I talked to my other sister and she said the same thing. So it got me and G thinking, if we were going to shave my head and all my boys were going to shave their heads as well, let's make it a "Farewell to Hair" party. So we called friends and family to let them know we were going to do it Saturday morning.

Friday night I couldn't sleep knowing what was going to happen in the morning. At 1:00 in the morning I decided to shower and wash my hair one last time. As I washed my hair it all clumped together in the back and I couldn't get my fingers through it. I knew by now that it was really bad, I had already pulled a bunch of hair out and that's when the tears started to come. I cried and cried while I sat alone in the shower. I was so overcome with a sadness about something that I knew was temporary. I realized that I was saying goodbye to part of who I am as a woman. Up until now you couldn't look at me and know that I had cancer. Now everywhere I go people will know. It is something that I hadn't yet dealt with and so all the crying helped to get out all of those built up emotions. This past week I probably cried as much as I did when I was first diagnosed. It is really a huge part of who I am and I had to let all of that go and realize that I am more than a pretty head of hair. So after the shower, I tried to comb it out and it didn't work. I finally woke G up at 2:00 and told him that I needed him to help me. As I sat there and cried he so delicately brushed and pulled out my hair. It was so bad that he finally had to cut a big knot out. Then he cut the hair that was left into a bob because there was only about 25% of my hair left. He wanted to shave it right then but I told him for our boys' sakes we needed to wait til the morning so they were a part of this big moment for me. We were glad we did.

In the morning I did my hair one last time and by now I was ready to say goodbye and move on. One of our friends reminded me that this is only temporary, you do it and move on. I repeated these words over and over to reassure myself and prepare to show my boys that this was a step I needed to take in order to get one step closer to getting all better. I was ready.

My parents came and set up an old sheet on the kitchen floor. My dad took a bar stool and a pair of shears and G did the same. The first 2 up were Cody and Brett. They didn't even hesitate when we asked who was going to go first. I was so touched and overcome with emotion that they would do this for me as a show of support. I know that they care about their looks and to just put that all aside for me was a very poignant moment for a mother and I realized that even though we tend to butt heads with our boys, they really do loves us and would do anything for us. I will never forget that moment.

Next up was Dustin and Matt and like the other boys they jumped up there without hesitation. One after another climbed up on the bar stoools and for 2 hours G and my dad shaved the heads of almost every man and boy who came over. Even my little 2 yr old nephews, who at first, didn't want anything to do with it, got up there and had their heads shaved. In the end there were 22 men and boys who shaved their heads in my behalf.

Next was my turn. I knew it was time and so I had G cover me up with the bag and get going. He first cut my hair really short so it wouldn't pull and get stuck in the shears. It was easier for me if I closed my eyes and tried to visualize myself in a year from now when my hair has grown back...this is temporary...this is temporary is what I kept going through my head. There were a couple of times that I had to dab at the tears rolling down my cheeks. I had G shave my head with a level 2 so it didn't look like I was completely bald. I was very surprised at how I looked. I was prepared for the worst and it actually looked a little cute. As my hair grows out it will be fun to try out all of the short haircuts that I never dared have before.

Once we were all done we headed outside to take pictures to document this monumental day. Then we went to Paradise Bakery for lunch. Of course there were lots of looks with so many men with shaved heads but surprisingly I wasn't bothered at all. I think it is because of this huge volume of supporters I have is making all of this much easier to deal with.

On Sunday, we went to church and my sister, Angie and her family joined us as well. There were 4 families there all with shaved heads and I was wearing a scarf. Everyone could figure out what has happened and again I was overcome with emotion as the support flowed out throughout the entire church meetings. I even talked with Elder Rasband, who is not only our neighbor but is also in the presidency of the Quorum of the Seventy, and for him to personally ask me how I am doing was emotional for me. I told him about the head shaving party and that honestly if I had to hand pick a ward family that we are part of, during this crisis it would be this ward. The constant and unconditional love from so many ward members continues to amaze me each and every week. These little silent acts of service, prayers, cards, etc are what give me the strength to go forward everyday.

My nephew, Bryson, was receiving the Aaronic priesthood, Sunday night. They had all of the family over and a bishopric member. After the blessing his Dad asked him if he would share the testimony that he shared with the Bishop in his interview. His sweet little face began to quiver and I could see that this was going to be difficult for him. So his Dad relayed the testimony. He said that he Knew, he truly Knew that Heavenly Father knows each one of us and knows the pains and struggles we are going through. He said he knew these things because he could see what his Aunt Chandy is going through and he has no doubt that Heavenly Father knows my pain and is going to make me all better. Again the faith of a child is something so remarkable. The spirit was so strong in the room you could see it. My sweet Brett was so touched that he too broke down into tears. They say that faith is the substance of things hoped for, but evidence of things not seen. Well on this night, faith was seen. You could see it in every single face of those who where there.

This trail has come to us for a reason and I believe that reason is for spiritual growth. Not only for me, G and our boys, but for extended families, friends and neighbors. There have been so many times in the past couple of months that the spirit has touched me so deeply and I didn't think I could be closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know Jesus is the one person who can understand all of my pains and fears. And like the footsteps in the sand, I can see that he has carried me on more than one occasion since October.

I am only part way through this trial and I know there is going to be many more experiences like the ones from this past week. I hope to record each one so that I can never forget the love that everyone has for me and my family. To each of you thank you for loving us that much and teaching us about unconditional compassion.

Hugs and Kisses all around.

Chandy

P.S. I am tying to add on a slide show of all of the pics from the head shaving party. Hopefully I can get it up tomorrow.